My To-Do List

Finish Packing
Put photos on CD
Type up notes to take home
Process my emotions

Process my emotions. I never thought I'd put that on a "to-do" list. But as I was writing one out last night, one of my roommates/friends/co-workers jokingly said to add it. Well, half-joking. I had been telling her that I don't know how to feel right now. I don't know what to think. Today I am leaving the place that has become my home, my reality for the past 6 months. Do I even remember what America is like? I am looking forward to seeing my family and friends again, but this all just seems so surreal. I don't know what to expect as I head home to America. I'm not entirely sure what exactly I'm going home to. And that's scary. But I was reminded this morning as I sat pr@ying and drinking my coffee that I am not alone, I never have been in this. My Father has been with me the whole time- from the beginning stages of planning this trip, to coming over here to living life here. So why would He leave now? I have taken much comfort in knowing that as I travel home, He will be with me. And as I begin to process my time here and look to what the next step in my life will be, He will be with me. He will never leave or forsake me and that is good. So so very good and comforting and encouraging in the midst of so much uncertainty. So even though this doesn't seem real and I feel like a volcano of emotions waiting to erupt, I have peace because I know that life is moving on and the one who has always been with me and will always be with me is with me now. 

The End of a Chapter, Coming Soon

One month. Well, less than one month really. I feel like I've been saying "one month" forever now- on June 5th it was one month until I leave the city I've called home since January. On June 7th it was exactly 4 weeks until I leave the city. On the 9th it was one month until I'll be on a plane back to America. Tomorrow will be 4 weeks until that day. It all blows my mind, it's so surreal. For the past 6 months my life has been here, my friends have been here, my work has been here. This has become home, but not really. Like a fuex-home that tries to mask the real one so I can't remember it anymore- makes it a distant memory. (Really, who am I kidding because my real "home" isn't anywhere on this earth anyway, but...) Mixed emotions. I think I'm ready to go home, even though I have no game plan. I have ideas, but nothing concrete. Good thing I'm not the one in control here, although I like to pretend I am sometimes.

You may or may not know I'm external processor, so I'm really not sure how this whole reverse culture shock thing is gunna go. Some of you close to me may get some phone calls, lol. That or my journal is gunna blow up like never before. Yes, I've been out of the US before. I've even been to this country before, but it was such a VASTLY different experience and I've been here for so much longer, that I have no idea what to expect. I don't hate it here. I've had moments where I've cried in autos or been scared, tired, frustrated, angry, homesick, numb. But I have an affection for these people and this place that is from the Father and I will be sad to leave. Part of my heart will be here when I leave.

I know that when I get home things will have changed- friends have gotten married, some have had babies or are now pregnant, one friend is no longer living, I'm sure something has changed building-wise in Birmingham, etc. I'm ready for the change I will see, I think. Maybe I'm not. I don't know. I guess we'll find out July 9th. Wow, that's so soon.

If I've learned anything in the past 5 (soon to be 6) months is that my Father is constant. It's beautifully intimate that every experience I have, I have with Him. I share it all with Him. He knows me. He didn't just create me, He knows my every thought- one's I've had and am having and will have. Going home in t-minus 1 month will be no different. He will be with me through it all- saying good byes here, flight after flight, airport arrival, walking into my house, seeing friends and family and familiar areas that have felt like a dream for now for so long, post-processing, job searching, and so much more.

So, bring it. But not yet. I still have a month to live here before I go home and I want to make the most out of it. I want to live with everything I've got. Not by my own strength. I will fail and be exhausted. No, I need His strength. A friend of mine who is also leaving the same day as me said she felt like a senior in high school again. You know, fighting to not check out. We're both trying to finish well. It'd be super easy to coast by and let flesh take over and become lazy- especially since it's so stinkin hot here. BUT He has made us sufficient. He is sufficient. He sustains. I love that in my post-processing, no matter what fruit I see when I reflect, I will praise Him for all He's done in and through me- even if it was just sustaining me.

28 days. 28 days to live sacrificially. To pour out my heart before the king, to offer myself to be used for His glory here in South Asia. Fill me with a sense of urgency, a burden and a passion to sacrificially pour out all that you pour into me, my king. 

Overwhelmed

"I can't do this, Father. I can't do it. I can't do it. Someone else will be better." 

These words have been echoing in my mind lately when I think of all June holds for me. Who am I kidding, these words have been echoing in my mind even before I came here. But as June approaches, the voice gets louder. It's one thing to admit that I have nothing which qualifies me as an educator or to be seen as someone who knows what she is doing concerning education and so think to myself "I can't do this." Maybe because I think it's a given; of course I can't, so He can. Maybe I have more grace for myself in that situation. 

But when it's something I'm supposed to know how to do, something I worked four years in college towards earning a degree for, something I'm supposed to be good at- it scares me. Because what if I'm not? In June I will be traveling (provided the Father gives me someone to travel with...) for a couple of weeks to meet people in villages, to live life with them for a few days and to tell their stories- all for His glory. It's what I've always wanted to do. The problem is, I've never actually done it and it scares me. "What if I do it wrong? What if I don't get all that we need?" These thoughts and a million others race through my head. So many other people are better qualified, are better photographers, would know what they are doing. I have a degree, but I've never done this before...

As I wrote this out in my journal earlier, I cried out the Father to remind me with His still, small voice that He is with me and He reminded me of what He showed me in His word two nights before I came here:

"Such is the confidence that we have through ChrIst toward G0d. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from G0d, who has made us competent to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter, but of the Spirit. For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life."  2 Corn 3:4-6

And what He reminded me of shortly after coming here:

"Now may the G0d of peace who brought back again our L0rD J, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do His will, working in us that which is pleasing in His sight, through JC, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen."

 Heb 13:20-21

I'm not sufficient or competent, but He will use me. That's the point, really. (How quickly I forget.) So that He may receive all glory due His name- not me. May His power be perfected in my weaknesses, for His glory. Part of me is still a bit overwhelmed and nervous, to be honest. But I'm asking Him to penetrate my heart with these truths and thanking Him for how even this fear is being used for His glory, because it is reminding me of how desperately I need Him and that I live for His approval, not for man's- not even mine. 

Task VS Calling

I've debated putting this up for a while- almost 2 months now seeing as my journal entry is dated "3-23-11" Does anyone else struggle with this? Would anyone else even care to read this? Is it safe for me to post this? After talking to my mom yesterday and praying over this, I discovered that no matter who you are or what you do in life, a lot of us question "What do I do next?" "What do I do now?" "Is this forever?" Please, read the whole thing because if you don't you might misunderstand. So, here we go, a peak into my mind and my heart and something the Father showed me- gloriously freeing and terrifying at the same time because it demands more trust...

I learned something today. It really sank it. My whole life, well since the age of about 13, I have known that I was going to do some kind of work for the Father. A few years later, I knew it was going to be overseas- at least for part of my life- and this is what I based everything else off of in my life- who I dated, where I went to school, what I studied, what I did with my summers and breaks, what I talked about. Passion for overseas work coursed through me. My identity began to be wrapped up in what I was doing or what I was going to do for the Father and I didn't even know it. 

But don't we all do this? Wrap our identity up in what we do? It's the American way, is it not? "What did you do today?" Hi, my name is ________, I am a banker, lawyer, teacher, pastor, student. My major is education, biology, religion, fill in the blank. This is how we introduce ourselves because this is who we think we are. 

Am I still passionate about declaring His name among the nations, about living for Him in another culture? Absolutely. Truth be told, I think every believer is supposed to do this, but that's another story... Up until now I would have told you it was my "calling" but now I feel like He has shown me something. My "calling" is so much bigger than that. My "calling" is to follow Him- to chase hard after Him with everything I have, with all I am. My calling is to be His disciple. That is the constant. HE is the constant. NOT what I DO for Him, but what HE is doing in me. 

I mentioned earlier that I think every believer is to make Him known. I still do believe this, so I'm not saying that He has excused me from doing this. Rather, He invites us to chase after Him so that this is the outpouring, the overflowing of our relationship with Him wherever we are.

Right now He has given me a task to live in South Asia as a representative for an NGO. But this task will not be forever. He will guide and lead me in His timing what to do next  in His timing (which is almost always later than my time, ha). 

What I'm saying is this:

- My identity is in JC. My calling is to chase hard after Him with all that I have and be swept up in all that He is. This is constant to matter where I am or what task I'm doing for Him.

- My task- right now- is to make Him known through my work here. The task is always changing. It will always be to make Him known, but the means by which I make Him known will change as He moves me. He is not stagnant and if I am being made into His image and am serving Him, why should I be? I might live the rest of my life overseas or I might work behind a desk in American somewhere. I can tell you which one I think I would prefer, but that doesn't matter. What matters is if I never leave American again after July, if I never use my BA in Photography, if I never get married and have kids, I will be ok. I will not be a failure for not accomplishing what I thought I've been striving for all of these years. Why? Because those things are not where my identity lies. Those are tasks He may or may not lead me to to glorify Him and I choose to glorify Him in whatever task He gives.

And the beauty of all of this is that in a lot of tasks, it doesn't have to be one or the other! Who says I have to stick to one thing for the next 50 years (not that it's a bad thing if you do, but I think most of us are always changing!) If I stay at home, it does not mean it will be for the rest of my life. If I move overseas it does not mean it will be for the rest of my life. I'm tired of trying to plan the rest of my life without all of the pieces. He will do it so much better than I could ever imagine! So I will be still, listen to His voice. I will go where He tells me to go, all the while chasing hard after Him and telling everyone I can about the life He brings. Freedom. Scary because my system for judging is something or someone was going to be in my life is gone, but freeing because I no longer have to do that. Abraham did not saty in one place and neither will I. Let us surrender to Him, not to an assignment!

What Beth Moore has to say about it: 

"In our human need for security and sameness, we tend to want one job assignment from G0d that we can do for the rest of our lives. He's far more creative than that! You may ask 'Isn't it possible for G0d to assign a lifelong task such as preaching at one church for 40 years?' Absolutely! But we are wise not to make assumptions by surrendering to the assignment. Our calling is to surrender to G0d."

"G0d soon made it very clear that my calling was to surrender my life every single day to His will, to be His woman, and to do what He asked, whatever that was."

"I believe He didn't want it to matter to me one iota whether He asked me to teach the word of G0d to a hundred people or to rock one baby in the nursery. My calling was to be abandoned to Him."

Be clear, the task is still laid out from the Father. He still gives guidance and direction, but our identity is found in HIM, not the the task He gives us to do.

May all praise, glory and honor be given to Him forever more. He is our portion. He is our everything. 

Getting My Nose Pierced in South Asia

Some of you know that the first time I came to South Asia in 2009 I got my nose pierced on a whim. I had never even thought about getting it done until I went with some girls to get theirs done. The next thing I knew, I had a piercing gun in my face (ps- DON'T PIERCE YOUR NOSE WITH A GUN it can shatter the cartilage) and another hole in my nose. So, it was no surprise when I took the stud out a week later (ok, so I might have sneezed and it fell out and I couldn't find it, but I was tired of having it anyway). No nasty horror stories or anything, I just ended up with not a good stud and didn't want to mess with it. This time I wanted to get my nose pierced again. I can't explain to you why, maybe it's just something about being here. So I did a lot more research into after care and all that and made my way down to a jeweler to get it done- this time by needle and tread and a lot more eduacted. Thanks to my friend Ginny for holding my hand. 

Pre-piercing. If you look closely you'll see a little blue dot- that he made ME put where I wanted it to be. How am I supposed to know where it should go...

When we got ready to go, he said "I'll have tea, wash my hands and then pierce your nose." I said "If you're having tea, I'm having tea!" Sadly, there were no pain killers in the tea.

Preparing the needle and thread

Yes, his shirt does say "When in doubt, try another hole." Probably not talking about piercings, but we'll pretend...

Had to close my eyes and breathe deep. This ended up not being a quick process. Yes, it was painful

Told you it was a bit painful. I teared up. Right after this picture I said something like "so, can we do something about the needle that's hanging from my nose now?" 

I might be thinking "what did I just do?" I can't remember...

The string stayed in my nose for a week until I went back to get the stud put in. I'm not sure which was more painful, the piercing or putting the stud in. Either way, my nose is red from putting the stud in but it went away the next day.

The stud is bigger than I wanted, but I'll take it until I can get back to the states and get one like 1/3 the size

Pleased with it for now

Putul

Putul

My heart is breaking,

the blood within me draining,

I'm now a porcelain doll.

I long for release,

for tears to sweep over me,

for I forgot where I hid them.

Buried deep somewhere inside,

Behind the porcelain they hide,

Break through me and find them.

I'm cracked but too stubborn to break,

So I carry this heavy weight,

Shatter me with all that you are.

And as the pieces fall,

May the tears come along.

In brokenness you bring me back to life. 

I debated whether or not to put this up. It is up on facebook after all, but it’s kind of a glimpse into my heart lately and well, it’s personal. But it’s real and it better will give you and idea of how to be lifting me up. Know that this is not how I feel all of the time, but lately it has been what the enemy is using to discourage me. But I fight against it with this: ‎

"So we do not loose heart though our outer self is wasting away our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen for the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 corn 4:16-1

as well as many other truths from my Father. Maybe you feel the same way sometimes and relate. I don’t know. Either way I feel like I should share this with you. PS: Putul means doll. 

Ear Infection

At the beginning of April we had a team come from South Carolina to head up an ESL camp with my kids at school. It gave me an opportunity to interact with the kids in a different way and I was glad to be able to build more of a relationship with them. One day I was spending time with the toddlers when this little girl just came up to me and reached her hands up to me. I couldn’t resist holding her. She fell asleep in my arms almost immediately and I held her the rest of the time. As I looked down at her sweet face and pr@y-d over her I realized she did not feel well. My arm was growing heavy and as I moved her to my other arm I noticed there was something in her ear- puss. I am no doctor and I do not have kids, but I know that it’s not a good thing to have green stuff coming out of your ear so immediately I was alarmed. What do I do? This means that her eardrum has very likely burst. I don’t have kids. But these are my kids and it hurts to see your kids in pain or not well. I felt helpless. How can a parent allow this to happen to their child? I hated to see her go with her older brother, afraid that she would not come back the next day, but she did. We made plans to go to her house with one of the women who works on the health team at the NGO I am working for.

I have seen poverty before but this was different. The lack of material possessions is not what we are concerned about when we face poverty and try to fight against it. We fight against basic needs not being met, yes, but not the lack of material possessions. Our hope is not in our stuff. I have seen poverty before but this hit me in the gut to see the house in which they live. Small. Yes, I have seen small shacks that people call home. But this was dirty. Their bathroom/trash pile was right next to the row of houses many of my students live in. The door was locked when we arrived. Mom and dad were not home but as we looked in I saw a wooden bead with no mattress, only a single sheet and a mosquito net. The only food they had was the small lunch the school provided. No mom or dad at home. 3 kids: 8, 4, and 3 years old. Mom works until 5 and has been unable to take the little girl to the doctor so 8 year old brother has been taking care of her the best he knows how. He is protective. He is scared.

I hurt for my babies. I am thankful to be part of an organization in which health classes are taught in homes. Our health team is already working in this community, but not this particular part of the community. So, we now have an open door into another area to share about holistic health- physically and spiritually. I have not seen the little girl since that week. The family was not there when a follow-up time was set to speak with the parents.

What am I do with all of this? I’m not sure. I’m bothered and I’m hurt but I have not completely processed it all. Physical poverty hits us in the face but spiritual poverty makes my heart hurt all the more. Oh, Come L0rd JC, come.